There was a person on Babycenter a few months (or maybe only a month) ago who was told her baby had some soft markers for Down's then later was told they were wrong and the baby was completely fine. So she had a little scare, but continued her pregnancy in ignorant bliss. When her baby was born, it indeed did have Down's Syndrome. She never made a decision to carry her baby to term or not to...during the follow-up for confirmation appointment, she was told her baby was healthy. She went to the Termination for Medical Reason board and blasted all of those women for "killing their babies" and blah blah blah. Then she came over to the Carrying to Term Despite Fatal Diagnosis board and posted about how glad she was that she had this beautiful Down's baby and how this baby has been the light of her life. No need to come to the CTT group, she's preaching to the choir...WE ALL CARRIED TO TERM. But to go to the TMR board and blast those women for their choice...absolutely unacceptable. She was totally one of those "talk the talk" people who never "walked the walk". She had never been in that situation (OBVIOUSLY). Even if she had known her baby had Down's, she still didn't have a right to say that because not every person on the TMR or CTT boards had a DS diagnosis. I sure didn't. My baby had NO chance of survival. I WISH Tyler had had Down's! Okay, I'm kind of rambling but my point is, you can never imagine what it's like to have to make that decision unless you are directly faced with it. Which leads me to my next subject...
I recently was told that a couple I know just found out their little one has Spina Bifida. I won't go into detail to protect their privacy, but I do want to touch on it. My heart absolutely breaks for them. Yes, the baby would survive, but there is also some grieving for the healthy child you hoped for. I can understand that feeling because I felt that way before we got Tyler's fatal diagnosis. I had done just a little google research and when I saw that the baby could have kidney "problems", it was heart breaking to have the picture of my perfectly healthy baby shattered. Having been through actually losing my baby, I don't know how I would feel. I struggled during counseling with what "should" have happened and the way things "should" be. But the counseling made me realize that I only thought that because that's what I wanted. Just because I wanted it doesn't mean that's the way it should be. So at this point, a part of me does feel "entitled" to have a healthy baby. After all, I lost my first, don't I deserve a rainbow after my storm? A very close friend asked me yesterday, while I was telling her about this couple, what I would do (it wasn't out of line for her to ask...she could ask me ANYTHING, she's very privileged haha) if I was them - carry to term or terminate. That's what got me thinking about this whole idea of people who have never directly faced this, saying what they "would do" given a situation. I told my friend that I really couldn't say because I wasn't in their situation. I definitely have a fear of people feeling judged by me. Termination is much more common in our society than we'd like to think and I don't want people who have terminated to feel judged. I may have been judgmental in the beginning (I think it's a defense mechanism of grief, but who knows) but I definitely don't feel that way now. I really just feel like you have to make the best decision for your family and for what you can live with. I read a story on a website called A Heartbreaking Decision or A Heartbreaking Choice (something like that) shortly after Tyler's diagnosis all about women who terminated for medical reasons. One story ended with the woman saying, "On the way to the hospital for induction, I just cried and held my belly and told my baby how much I loved it and how sorry I was." That was pretty much IT for me. I wasn't going to tell my baby that I was sorry...I wasn't going to be sorry. That little sentence TERRIFIED me and really pushed me over the edge on deciding to CTT. Right after that website, I went to my friend, Meghan's, blog and read all about her Potter's angel that was born 3 days before we got Tyler's diagnosis. It was the most beautiful, peaceful story so full of love and appreciation. THAT'S what I wanted for my baby. I wanted him to be in a room full of people who loved him from the moment they knew he existed (even if he was only the size of a pea at that point!) when he was born. I couldn't live the rest of my life feeling like I had to apologize to my baby for ending his life sooner than he and God were ready. Having said ALL of that, I would like to think that I would have no problem carrying a baby with Spina Bifida because there is the hope of bringing that blessing home which is something I never got the privilege of with Tyler. But again, I've never been there and I sure as hell wouldn't judge someone who is there.